Top Ten Men’s Rooms Compared To Which I Would Rather Use the One on the Cover of Beggars Banquet
One man’s opinion only.
10. The Gallery, Market East, Philadelphia
9. The Khyber, Philadelphia
8. unknown flea market, Wharton, NJ
Where I once read the immortal words THAY PAINT THE WALLS TO STOP MY PEN BUT THE SHITHOUSE POWIT STRIKES AGAIN.
7. Johnny Brendas, Philadelphia
Pre-remodeling, back when everyone who wasn’t a hipster drank PBR and it wasn’t cool.
6. Staten Island Ferry, Whitehall Terminal, NYC
Saturday night, summer of 1995.
A few of us waiting forever for the ferry to come, and I desperately need the men’s room.
There are five stalls.
Someone is in one of them.
The other four have no toilet paper.
So I wait.
Whoever is using the fifth stall groans in agony.
John uses one of the urinals, then tries each of four sinks for soap.
Outside, he asks the enormous cleaning man, who is flabbergasted.
“Soap???” he gasps in puzzlement. “We don’t GOT no soap–???”
I continue to wait as the man in the fifth stall groans and groans.
Eventually, a flush.
Simultaneously, the enormous cleaning man walks in clutching rolls of toilet paper in his hands as the stall door creaks open and a bewildered elderly man in a cheap suit shuffles out.
The bewildered elderly man immediately notices the rolls of toilet paper in the enormous cleaning man’s hands, turns a ghostly pale, clutches his head in shock, and cries out:
“NOW he puts it in—JESUS!!!—I had to waste a napkin—!!!!!!!”
So we missed the ferry.
5. The Bean Café, South Street, Philadelphia
4. Bazaar of All Nations, Clifton Heights, PA
Sadly, Bazaar is no longer with us— so where else can one buy a t-shirt that depicts two pigs fucking and reads IF SEX IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, ROLL OVER?-but will fondly be remembered for its men’s room stalls with half-doors, meaning that, unless you were a midget, your head would be visible while seated. Clifton Heights wasn’t just big hair and somewhere for Cousin Sheldon to buy a cheap case of Schlitz.
3. Cat’s Eye Pub, Fells Point, Baltimore
a.k.a. the men’s room that most RESEMBLES the cover of Beggars Banquet. I swear I have photos somewhere, but I’m actually wondering whether I just dreamed the Zappa quotes.
2. McDonald’s, Sunset Boulevard, Echo Park, LA
As previously recounted. (Note, however, this was technically the women’s room.)
1. Berkeley Oceanfront Hotel lobby, Asbury Park, NJ
The only men’s room ever that I was both too scared and too nauseated to use. Whoever used it before me apparently went Berserkeley.
Worth mentioning: LA Farmers Market, also pre-remodeling, where as recently as 1991 you could still read graffiti like IF YOU VOTED FOR NIXON YOU CAN’T SHIT HERE CAUSE YOUR ASSHOLE’S IN WASHINGTON.
Beggars Banquet reference which inspired this post courtesy of Tom M.